Turning Regrets of the Past into Confidence and Purpose Today

I froze. And then I folded.

Deep down I knew this was my moment to shine. And still, I did nothing. The inklings of shame and disappointment were immediate. Little did I know they would grow and fester for years.

The Backstory

I had been asked to join a Lululemon men’s ambassador trip to facilitate a Deep End Mindset workshop around values, goal setting, and daily rituals. At some point in the evening, I was told, we would all get together and I would have the opportunity to dive in and facilitate an interactive session with the group. As the evening wore on, I began to question whether we were going to transition into a formal start to the session.

Then, I remember thinking “Just do it. Step up, get everyone’s attention and get this session started. This is why you are here, you are a leader.” No sooner had the thought crossed my mind did I sense the gremlins of fear and imposter syndrome begin to creep in. A wave of anxiety washed over me like a tidal bore. Stories chimed in on the heels of my bold thought “people don’t want to hear from you”, “you can’t add value to the amazing leaders and human here”, “everyone is already having a good time, don’t ruin it by trying to force something that isn’t meant to be”, “who do you think YOU are, these guys will laugh and ridicule you”.

I would like to say that I stood up and persevered through those negative thoughts and pushed on with the session. But I didn’t. I folded. I didn’t even put up a fight – instead giving into all of the negative stories my mind conjured up.

Regret and Time Travelling to the Past

That experience still stings to this day when I think of it. The shame, sadness, and sabotaging to my confidence all come flooding back as I think about my inability to step up as a leader and act upon my core beliefs and passions in that moment.

Re-living our regrets of the past, or what I like to refer to as mental time travel, so often bring up these energy zapping feelings and emotions. As we spend more time ruminating in the “what could have been” our entire physiology in the present moment changes (where our mind and perspective goes, our body and energy follows). We become sad, disempowered, feel small, lack confidence, have lost our spark of energy.

Time travelling to our past is a treacherous path to navigate and one we need to embark on with intention and control.

Bonus: this is a key reason to why Daily Rituals is a cornerstone to the Deep End Mindset and Human Performance Lab Coaching Programs – they help us to become aware of our attention, energy and focus. We can acknowledge when our mind’s slip into that default state of reliving regrets of the past and eventually we can guide our mind away from those negative cycles altogether. This comes with the conscious awareness and ownership over our attention and energy – and this is exactly the muscle we are training when committing to a daily meditation practice.

Redefining our relationship with Regret

But what if we could change our perception and interpretation of those regrets from the past? Instead of being emotionally hijacked by feelings of shame, disappointment and disempowerment – we could use these feelings and emotions as a signal. Because in many of the lived experiences in our life, this is exactly what they are.

They are first a signal telling us to dig deeper to find out why the regret exists. Where is it coming from and why does that experience and past outcome still matter so much to you? These a real questions we need to explore and get to the bottom of. Because at the bottom will be an important insight, lesson or truth about who we are today, and what we care most about in the world, which will directly inform and guide how we choose to spend our time today.

Note: Before you navigate these conversations within yourself, you must be able and willing to give yourself permission to explore without self-judgement. This agreement with yourself must be made before you enter your mental time machine, otherwise you will quickly end up back in that negative cycle as you travel back in time.

Empowered to Act

As I replay the evening years ago when I froze, I acknowledge the regret and shame coming from the deepest part of myself and the inner-voice telling me that I was put on this earth to help coach, guide and lead others – and in that moment I didn’t have the strength, courage and awareness to move through the fear that was stopping me from climbing the high dive.

Every time I replay that evening, it hurts. But as I’ve redefined my relationship with these types of regrets and mental time travelling experiences to the past, I now interpret this pain, shame and disappointment as an affirmation and stark reminder of what I am put on this earth to do. I use this reminder as a positive pressure that can counteract the fear of the unknown that comes up in my daily life – the same fear I encountered that evening so many years ago. Except now, I am equipped with the lived experience of what giving into the fear will result in.

I have a new depth of confidence through this exercise that reminds me that any pursuit I have the courage to steel myself and set out on in service of those core values and passions will always be a more fulfilling result compared to surrendering to the negative stories fueled by my ancient limbic system and fight or flight response.

Bonus: The courage to Steel Yourself

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Doing the Work

We all experience regret. We all experience mental time travel to relive regrets of the path (as well time traveling to the future where anxiety lives – another story for another time). This is part of how our brains are wired at it’s very core and something we will never turn off or shut down.

But we do have a choice. We have a choice to do the work. Starting with owning our awareness, attention and focus. Continuing with the ability to detach, observe and acknowledge the places our mind takes us and the pre-existing stories attached to those experiences. Once we can emotionally detach and simply observe, we have the opportunity to begin to inquire and dig deeper. We can do the work to understand what do these feelings of regret teach me about who I am today – how can I extract that learning to better equip the decisions I make and road I travel in the present?

Turning regrets into confidence and purpose

Live for Today

We only have today. Maybe not even that – maybe just this next breath, this next thought.

While the past is the past and we can’t change that, I believe that instead of trying to sweep painful experiences under the rug, we have an opportunity to embark on a journey to take ownership over each lived experience in our life. To better serve who we are today and how we can show up as the most confident, resilient and fulfilled person for this next breath, the next thought, the next day.