What Is Co-Regulation 🤝 — and Why It Might be the Missing Piece in Your Optimal Performance, Recovery & Leadership Toolkit
Peak performance, optimal recovery and holistic healing isn’t always something we do alone. Often, the best environment is in the safe and connected presence of others.
Photo By Nima Ganji
First impressions matter.
Body language matters.
Set and setting matter.
Attention to detail matters.
Why does it matter?
Because our nervous system considers each of these details preconsciously (before we are aware of them) and determines whether our internal systems should be in a state of defense and protection, or in a state of healing, growth, and restoration.
And for those us aspiring to perform at our best, lead teams, and feel present, connected and purpose-driven while doing it - this is a really big deal.
One of the foundational concepts in this equation is called “co-regulation”.
I obsess about co-regulation in each experience and activation we design and facilitate at The Wellness Den. Whether it's a 1:1 session, a corporate team-building event, or a group retreat with strangers connecting for the first time, everything is designed to help individuals feel safe and connected to themselves, their environment, and one another.
In this article, I will explain what “co-regulation” is and why it is so important for leaders and performers. There are tangible, actionable steps to create more co-regulation for you and those around you at the end of the article.
🤝 So what Is Co-Regulation?
Co-regulation is the process by which our nervous systems unconsciously attune to our environments (internal, external, and relational with others). It's an evolutionary mechanism, rooted in early human development — think of an infant calming in the arms of their cooing mother or caregiver, or the feelings of unease as a kid when being approached by a stranger.
As adults, we still do this. We unconsciously read facial expressions, vocal tone, body language — and our nervous system adjusts our state accordingly.
When we’re near someone who’s grounded, welcoming, and calm, our nervous system moves into a state of healing, growth, and restoration.
When we’re around someone who feels anxious, disconnected, or closed off, our nervous system unconsciously mobilizes into a state of defense and protection.
Reflection | Your experiences of perceived threat & safety
Take a moment to reflect on experiences and environments where you have felt guarded or on edge - where were you, who were you with? What feelings or emotions surface as you think of that experience? Then reflect on times where you felt totally safe, calm and at ease or even joyful and playful. Who did you share that environment with? What were the differences between your ability to perform, communicate, connect, and stay present in each of these environments?
What we need to understand is that our entire body chemistry changes based on these scenarios, and as a result, our lived experience (how we feel), our ability to perform, and our ability to recover are all affected.
🧠The Science of Shared Safety
According to Polyvagal Theory, safe and connected social engagement unconsciously cues our brains to activate the ventral vagal system (this is often referred to as our rest and digest, parasympathetic nervous system) — which is associated with feelings of calm, trust, and openness and internal states of healing, growth and restoration.
This is why, even in silence, being in the presence of a regulated individual or group can help you feel calmer, safer, and more balanced. Under the surface, your nervous system recognizes this by shifting your internal resources away from threat or mobilization to healing, growth, and restoration.
It’s not just relationships | 🪴 Consider your surroundings
Along with identifying and building relationships and connections that positively co-regulate us into states of healing and growth, we can also think about how physical spaces and environments can play a role in co-regulating our nervous system with cues of safety and connection. While our nervous system scans other humans in our environment, it also scans our physical surroundings.
Reflection
Small details, such as having green plants and meaningful artwork in our homes or pictures of loved ones by our desks at work, all play a role in co-regulating our nervous system into a safe and connected state.
Think about how each of the environments you spend time in make you feel, and consider one or two things you could add to increase cues of safety and connection in those spaces.
🌀 Why It Matters in Optimal Performance, Recovery & Leadership
True optimal performance, recovery, and growth — not just achieved once, but sustained over weeks, months, and years — requires us to constantly establish internal, external, and relational cues of safety in our environments as perceived by our nervous system.
For leaders, co-regulating safe environments will help our team members perform better, recover faster, be more engaged and invested, and stay longer.
For high-performing achievers, it provides a rare moment of nervous system downshifting, freeing up resources to let the body restore for the next effort.
For those recovering from trauma or experiencing anxiety, co-regulation helps us create more availability for rewiring patterns of hypervigilance (constantly scanning our environments for threat or danger), allowing us to begin to access small, deliberate moments of safety and connections within ourselves and others.
For all of us, it offers a reminder: we heal and grow in the safe moments of pause we can create for ourselves and others.
Photo By Katherine Hanlon
đź’¬ Co-Regulation in Action at The Wellness Den and other Polyvagal-informed spaces
Often, we aren’t even aware of the extent to which co-regulation is happening, but our nervous system is.
It happens when you’re greeted by someone who is genuinely present.
It happens in shared moments of breathing, where heart rhythms begin to sync.
It happens when someone holds space for you without judgment or fixing.
It happens when a space has been designed for safety and connection.
It happens for others in our environment when we are optimally regulated first.
This is the invisible magic of sacred space: people leave not just feeling better, but feeling seen, understood, and connected to something greater.
đź“ť Micro-Practices for Co-Regulation in Daily Life
Silencing ALL devices & notifications when you’re with someone
Eye contact + slow breath during conversations
Putting a hand on your heart when with someone you care about
Pausing before responding, especially in emotionally charged moments
Noticing and observing how your body responds around calm, grounding people
Practicing mirroring the body language, vocal tone, and movements the people you’re around.
Pay attention to what you notice in each environment. Spend a few minutes journaling these observations and things you want to explore further. This helps bridge the science into daily life, making the concept more tangible, felt, and embodied.
If you’d like to continue learning about leadership, optimal performance, recovery and growth, subscribe for future articles. If you’d like to learn more about the work we lead for aspiring leaders and teams, check out The Human Performance Project and The Wellness Den.
A big thank you to Stephen, Porges and the PVT team, and Michael Allison, the founder of The Play Zone for helping to inspire this article.🧪 Reference: Feldman, R. (2007). Parent–infant synchrony and the construction of shared timing; physiological precursors, developmental outcomes, and risk conditions. Journal of Child Psychology and Psychiatry, 48(3–4), 329–354.🧪 Reference: Porges, S. W. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation.🧪 Reference: Schore, A. N. (2001). Effects of a secure attachment relationship on right brain development, affect regulation, and infant mental health. Infant Mental Health Journal, 22(1–2), 7–66.
